this is what i would write to you if i a) had the balls and b) thought it was even remotely a good idea.
but i don’t, i think it’s rather pointless actually, so i’ll just write it here because i need to get it out regardless. i just don’t think you need to hear it.
i’ve been completely enjoying being free lately. i am floating around, doing whatever i want, and reveling in the kind of individualism that you basically epitomize. in fact, after my last failed attempt at a relationship with bon, i sort of relate to you even more and feel like i understand what your issues were with us. i sort of feel like we’re kindred spirits more now than we were then, like i’ve come into my own even more and like we are very similar.
it was so great to run into you a couple times recently and hang out as friends. i honestly felt no pangs of anything at the time and no awkwardness, just really happy to hang out with you as a friend and have it go just fine. part of why this isn’t getting sent to you is that i don’t want to ruin the friendship that seems to be working out.
but then friday, out of nowhere, as i was enjoying my trip with sam and bryan… i thought of you, and violently entered the thought: “i still love him”. more than friend, more than admiration, i felt like… i am still in love. despite the madness of that statement.
like seriously… i know that it is impossible and that it’s over. i feel like you are damaged in some way, and maybe if i’d known you at a different point in your life things would be different, but they’re not. our relationship wasn’t great by any means and looking back, i’m shocked that i really stuck around and tried for so long. but i guess the reason i did is the same reason that i am now feeling this extremely strong pang of emotion for you. it was probably the most passionate feelings i’ve ever really had for anyone, and i think that they were returned to me for at least part of it.
so here i am, logic telling me that this is ridiculous and that we probably never should have been more than friends… we just make sense as friends, two floating, free entities who both like to be a little crazy who can share together as friends and get more out of it than we ever would have as lovers. but fighting against the logic is this voice inside that makes my eyes well up and makes my heart twist around, that says i still love you, more than a friend, despite the circumstances.
even knowing that you didn’t treat me well, that you have all your own issues, that you stopped feeling it… i can’t stop just yet. for the most part i’ve been completely fine, i’ve probably had these pangs 4 or 5 times in the 6 or so weeks since we parted… it just sucks when i do.
and so i see no reason to tell you any of this, after all, it could really only do harm. it wont’ change how i feel, and it might alienate you as a friend. i’m trying my hardest just to see us as friends…. the floating, freedom-loving, crazy entities that bump into each other at times and relate to each other quite well, but aren’t meant to stick together like lovers…
but for tonight i think i’m just going to drink whiskey, smoke cigarettes, and listen to the playlist you made once upon an early morning. and i’m going to think about you and wallow in self pity. and i’m sure tomorrow, i will find this all silly.
But anything that I could do
Would never be good enough for you
If you can’t help it then just leave it alone
Leave it alone