what i would write you

•September 13, 2009 • Leave a Comment

this is what i would write to you if i a) had the balls and b) thought it was even remotely a good idea.

but i don’t, i think it’s rather pointless actually, so i’ll just write it here because i need to get it out regardless. i just don’t think you need to hear it.

i’ve been completely enjoying being free lately. i am floating around, doing whatever i want, and reveling in the kind of individualism that you basically epitomize. in fact, after my last failed attempt at a relationship with bon, i sort of relate to you even more and feel like i understand what your issues were with us. i sort of feel like we’re kindred spirits more now than we were then, like i’ve come into my own even more and like we are very similar.

it was so great to run into you a couple times recently and hang out as friends. i honestly felt no pangs of anything at the time and no awkwardness, just really happy to hang out with you as a friend and have it go just fine. part of why this isn’t getting sent to you is that i don’t want to ruin the friendship that seems to be working out.

but then friday, out of nowhere, as i was enjoying my trip with sam and bryan… i thought of you, and violently entered the thought: “i still love him”. more than friend, more than admiration, i felt like… i am still in love. despite the madness of that statement.

like seriously… i know that it is impossible and that it’s over. i feel like you are damaged in some way, and maybe if i’d known you at a different point in your life things would be different, but they’re not. our relationship wasn’t great by any means and looking back, i’m shocked that i really stuck around and tried for so long. but i guess the reason i did is the same reason that i am now feeling this extremely strong pang of emotion for you. it was probably the most passionate feelings i’ve ever really had for anyone, and i think that they were returned to me for at least part of it.

so here i am, logic telling me that this is ridiculous and that we probably never should have been more than friends… we just make sense as friends, two floating, free entities who both like to be a little crazy who can share together as friends and get more out of it than we ever would have as lovers. but fighting against the logic is this voice inside that makes my eyes well up and makes my heart twist around, that says i still love you, more than a friend, despite the circumstances.

even knowing that you didn’t treat me well, that you have all your own issues, that you stopped feeling it… i can’t stop just yet. for the most part i’ve been completely fine, i’ve probably had these pangs 4 or 5 times in the 6 or so weeks since we parted… it just sucks when i do.

and so i see no reason to tell you any of this, after all, it could really only do harm. it wont’ change how i feel, and it might alienate you as a friend. i’m trying my hardest just to see us as friends…. the floating, freedom-loving, crazy entities that bump into each other at times and relate to each other quite well, but aren’t meant to stick together like lovers…

but for tonight i think i’m just going to drink whiskey, smoke cigarettes, and listen to the playlist you made once upon an early morning. and i’m going to think about you and wallow in self pity. and i’m sure tomorrow, i will find this all silly.

But anything that I could do
Would never be good enough for you
If you can’t help it then just leave it alone
Leave it alone

peaking on life

•September 13, 2009 • Leave a Comment

for the first time ever, i really feel like i’m exactly where i want to be.

i am surrounded by friends i love so much, both old and new. i am less bounded by time constraints than i’ve ever been — all i have to do is show up to work in a semi-coherent state when i’m supposed to be there, and otherwise, i can do whatever i want. i can fall asleep , wake up, do whatever really. i have a job that i enjoy to a fairly large extent and i feel like the move to whole foods is going to let me experience and learn so many¬† new techniques. i feel more confident in my ambitions and abilities artistically, musically… i’m just really really happy, and really really free.

i feel reconciled with the past as well, and i can look at people who i’ve hurt, or who have hurt me, and feel at peace. i’m genuinely excited and content every day, a feeling i never really felt in any of myr elationships because i always felt depressed or anxious about them at times, because they just weren’t the right fits.

i feel like this isn’t eloquent enough to really express what i mean, but i just have such a feeling of love for everyone around me and for myself, and i’m loving the freedom.

•September 8, 2009 • Leave a Comment

after a drunken afternoon at the wine festival, and the impending nap afterward, i headed out to a party at bon’s house.

once it got rocking, it was pretty rocking… there were DJs and lots of fancy drinks and jello shots and people. somewhere around midnight i met up with my friend molly… and after that things got interesting…

there happened a series of appearances of people that i can only describe as “confluence”, which in my mind is this kind of strange attractor pulling people in together, pulling these certain people all into one place, like an eddy. bon was there already of course, and then walker showed up, and then deli guy from sunflower. so it was kind of an odd combination. there was a point, after a random 3 way makeout in a closet with veve and this random guy known thereafter as “passed out guy”, where i told someone, “i can’t go in that room because i’ve kissed 4 people in there, slept with 2, and one of them keeps trying to ask me out” it was a good thing “passed out guy” passed out when he did so i didn’t have to deal with him anymore. he had pretty eyes though.

cops came at some point but were fairly nice, they just told us to go inside and didn’t try to check IDs or anything like that and gave bon a chewing out on the porch…

and then we went to wake kate up at some point on a little errand… hehe.

then at some point things started to thin out, the sky started to lighten, and there were just a few of us left: bon, who was definitely acting emo and like he probably wanted to go bed but didn’t either because he lived there or was worried about me or both… walker and jeff, who were playing music together, and veve and passed out guy who were pretty much passed out on the couch. i sang along with the music and had a really great time doing so… i just remember closing my eyes and getting so incredibly into it, completely letting go of worrying what it sounded like (even though i think it was pretty damn good). i made up some words to some songs which at the time seemed pretty cool. and then we had this really epic combination “lola”, “hey jude” and … i forget the third song… but yeah. at some point walker was passed out on the floor and i remember i was kicking him and poured water on his face lol. the sun was up by this point.

i don’t remember going to bon’s room at all, but i woke up in there with him at some point later, around noon i think. i slowly came to consciousness and after realizing i wasn’t still in the living room, i realized i was hearing strains of ben folds’ “brick” and i was like “whoa, who is playing that?” come to realize a few minutes later it’s my phone in my pants pocket, playing music for some reason. bon seemed emo about the fact that i didn’t remember coming in there, as if something magical and meaningful happened and i didn’t remember it. i ignored the fact that when i went to turn the music off on my phone i saw two really emo text messages from him…. “Ok yo know if you don’t dig me or want someone else, just tell me” and “ok i get it. i’m boring and fugly as shit, i have to accept that, you don’t…” i pretty much never responded to those, ha.

i proceeded to get up because i felt awake and the lines of light on the ceiling from the miniblinds were beautiful and made me sing death cab (“ivory lines lead….”) and i went and surveyed the passed out people. jeff was still on the couch, veve and passed out guy gone, marco gone, walker was on the bed marco used to be on with his pants halfway down, and david was in his room. i talked to david for a little while, found out his parents had surprise come over at some point that morning, and found a new testament on his desk. i proceeded to do some epic readings to the recovering partiers, i found some pretty “metal” verses about lakes of fire, one about “i trust in the lord that i myself shall come soon”, and one that included the phrase “I am the song of the drunkards” which i liked. i went into the room with walker and he woudln’t wake up, but i sat there and smoked a cig next to him and read the bible for a while. then my phone rang and it was deli guy (whose name is chris) who had wanted to go hiking that day, but i explained how i was still at the house and in no shape to go anywhere, but i assured him i’d call him sometime, even if not the next couple days.

finally those of us awake decided to go eat and walker stumbled off into the bright midday. on the way to the restaurant, i hung my head out the window and loved the feeling of the air around my face and the bright sun. i felt like it should be normal to talk to people in other cars, to talk to people on the street, we’re so close distancewise but always so separated, we find it weird to even look at each other.

so narrative aside, back to this idea of confluence. i don’t believe in some higher power and if i did i might say that it conspired to bring the right people and circumstances together to show me something. instead, i believe we’re all part of some chaotic system and there just so happened to occur an attractor that brought this all together for me that night. the people, situations, my mindset… i think it made me realize that whatever i’m doing with bon just isn’t working for me, no matter how much i think it should or i should give it a chance. i know deep down it’s just not. i still want to hang out with him and his friends a lot, i still like him as a person, i just don’t happen to find more there. i kind of told him this when we woke up, becuase he was pulling the “… do you still like me???” thing and i was like “well yeah, but i don’t know… i don’t feel exclusive, i feel like i need to take care of myself for a while” so i left it pretty vague, i guess i’ll have to clarify sometime.

but in either case, lessons learned or not, i had a really good time at that party and really the entire weekend. stef’s wedding was fun too and i love all of the family.

so the point is, maybe i’m a selfish bitch but… i think i’m doing what i need to do right now.

penis ice

•September 2, 2009 • Leave a Comment

i’m making penis shaped ice cubes for the bachelorette party tomorrow. they’re so cute! i just broke one getting it out though… lol…. poor thing.

so i was thinking today and i realized that i have some attraction to darkness in guys. out of everyone i’ve liked or dated, the two that still have the greatest impression on me and that were the most captivating and who i had the strongest feelings for were both kind of flawed, dark characters. they actually have a lot in common when i think about it. and honestly, i’d like to think that all i really wanted was to be with them, but a version of them that was not depressed/dark/mean/distant/enigmatic, but honestly if they were just nice and happy and simple, i don’t think i would have felt the same way about them.

and so i’m like… what the fuck is that? is it some inner need to have a “project”? do i believe that somehow my love can really reach into darkness, and why do i find that romantic? or is it that i have some element of darkness that i need to identify with in someone else or i just feel bored and disconnected?

and so that’s what i’m facing here. i’m hanging out with someone who adores me, who is super nice to me in a way nobody else really has been, and who seems to have an overall good outlook on life. in fact, someone who i feel is quite similar to myself (i’ve realized that i’m definitely an optimist deep down, and most of the guys i’ve dated were pessimists). and i do like hanging out with him, i’ve done it just about every day since we started being “something”… and i love his friends… and there are so many things i like and respect about him, that i feel like are good traits and that match well with me… but i find myself kind of searching for a depth that i haven’t yet seen. but is it depth, or is it darkness, that i’m looking for? or are they related?

and honestly i almost just feel like there hasn’t been a whole lot of chance for that to come out. i mean surely everyone has some element of darkness, i just haven’t seen it yet. but with these guys in the past, it was there lurking at all times even if we’d never had explicit discussions about it. so… i guess i’m giving it time… i hate to admit it but i just think that my feelings can’t really be that strong if i don’t start to sense some of this “depth”… wrong or right that’s how it is. i can’t change how i feel, at least not immediately.

because the thing is, if i stick with this, i’m sure over time the fondness and familiarity will bond together and create some pretty strong and lasting feelings. that’s essentially what happened with vince… it was similar in that i didn’t really like him at first, he liked me way more, i was like “sure….” and then it ended up that i had some really strong and cemented feelings for him after time went by. but i never really had that initial kind of “falling hard” feeling, i wasn’t initially that taken… whereas with the “darkness” guys it was essentially very strong feelings almost immediately.

so maybe that’s what it comes down to, that there are different kinds of “love” or whatever you want to call it. there’s the kind of intense, dramatic one that happens quickly and probably doesn’t usually last, and then the kind that develops and grows over time and has a much better chance of being sustainable. i guess i just wish i could have both.


•September 1, 2009 • Leave a Comment

i’ve really been enjoying some thrift shopping lately. not only does it satisfy my urge to shop without me spending much money, but there is a definite joy to digging among random shit and finding cool, unique things… and i also find it interesting and often amusing to see what sorts of thigns end up there. especially in the book sections… i saw two copies of “the ya ya sisterhood” today, and between yesterday and today two copies of “megatrends 2000″… (oh mrs hobbs). and lots of “left behind” books. lol.

yesterday, i got a cool purse, cool mayan calendar ashtray, and a frame. today i got several handmade ceramic items (these were so fun to find!) and three books. total between the two days: $20… hells yeah.

especailly the handmade ceramics items. it’s interesting how easy they are to pick out on the shelf, and each one kind of holds a marvel and wonder for me because it’s handmade… i like to look at the imperfections, the asymmetry, the touch of a hand here, the stylistic decision there. the foot, the lack of the foot, the signature of the person, the glaze dripping erratically. and yet the reality is, as much reverence as i give each peice simply because a person made it, someone just donated it to goodwill. there ya go.

i mean… there’s some element of disrespect there. it’s like, someone made this… possibly someone you know… and you give it away. but i guess that’s more respect that just throwing it away. but the other cool thing is that despite the seeming impermanence… there is permanence. sure, i have no fucking clue who any of these people are, their names are carved into the bottom but i don’t know who they are or when they lived. likely these vessels will never be used by anyone who can attach that meaning to them again. and yet any ceramic items are among the most durable on earth. though they have been deemed somewhat worthless (donated to a thrift store and sold for 99 cents each), they will last longer than most other art, than anyone alive today, than almost anything else on earth. they could be found thousands of years from now completely intact.

in a little different vein… the trip actually gave me an interesting kind of art idea… what if you made art and just donated it to goodwill all the time? you’d make no money, get no recognition, but you could know that random people somewhere were getting your art into their homes. i actually rather like the idea… it’d be really interesting if you could GPS tag them and track them… hmm. kind of reminds me of this article i read about a famous japanese potter, shoji hamada, and how he doesn’t sign any of his pieces because it’s more of a community service or something.

i also find it funny that so far, i’ve given away all but two of my functional bowls, and the two i still have are the ones that got kind of screwed up due to overfiring… and yet i find such joy in picking up the discarded pieces others have done.

i think once i finally get my bowls from the summer home, i’ll keep more of them. but i still really enjoy giving them to people. i went today to finish glazing and none of them have been fired yet, but i’m really excited to see the results… and it also really really m ade me miss that class. some of the ever-returning students who have been there for years were in there while i wa glazing, and there’s just a certain spirit and feel and it made me want to go back so badly. i just can’t afford it right now…

song meanings

•August 30, 2009 • Leave a Comment

it’s always funny when there’s a song you’ve liked and known for years, but never really completely understood… and then something happens to you, and suddenly the entire song clicks and you can completely personally relate to it.

i think that ability to really personally relate to something like that is probably what good actors have to do all the time… or singers or performers of any kind… back in speech and debate i remember how much better some of my interpretive things got when i was able to forge a personal connection to it, no matter how contorted or random the connection was.

in any case, this happened to me recently with two songs.

first was “shooting star” by elliott smith. the part that really rings true with me is the last line in the song, “your love is sad, shooting star”… and i just feel like the whole thing with walker was like a shooting star in general. so bright and intense and fiery at the beginning, but so short lived on his part. and i think his love is sad.

and then, this one i realized just today. “daria” by cake. it’s told from the guy’s perspective, about how this girl keeps trying to help him but he “won’t be soothed”. and again, i feel like i was that girl, and walker was that guy. and i think it’s a match that just leads to sadness and resentment.

anyway, in other news… i am applying for some open positions in the whole foods bakery. i feel like a traitor in some ways, but id on’t know why i should feel all that loyal to sunflower. i really only care about my manager, beth… i’d feel bad to leave her, we’re kind of buddies now and i’m the only other opener and probably the only other truly competent employee right now… but she could deal with it… if she really is my friend then i think she’d be happy for me if i found something better… so we’ll see if they offer me anything at all, and if they do, what they offer… i just feel liek sunflower doesn’t care about me that much, i’m the type of employee they’ll totally take advantage of and pay as little as they can possibly get away with, and then give nebulous awards like “employee of the month” and compliments to keep you happy until you realize “oh wait, but you still pay me shit, and you pay the new guy more than me for no apparent reason other than he’s a fucking suckup little piece of shit?” he sucks at his job too. ok done with rant.

so anyway… i’m really excited for stefanie’s wedding on saturday! and this whole week will probably be a jolly old drinky time. mmmmm. cousin drinky = fun.

talking shit about a pretty sunset

•August 27, 2009 • Leave a Comment

there was this amazing, beautiful sunset/rainbow combination just now that took my breath away. i took some pictures and generally just stood in the yard grinning and running around to get different angles. it was so beautiful and just completely matched my mood which was already a little bit pensive and creative feeling.

then i came back inside when it started to fade and started to rain on me… and i got a text message from walker asking me if i’d seen the sky. we used to call each other to point out beautiful skies quite often… we pointed out a lot of beautiful things to each other, i think we both appreciated the same kinds of beauty and i was delighted to find someone who i felt could point me to music, art, ideas that i also found extremely beautiful. so that just made something snap for me… and suddenly i miss him again even though i know i know i know it’s over, i know it wasn’t good, i know. i really do… but there are little things, or there were. there were connections we had that i’ve never really felt with anyone else and it does cause a sense of longing to think about those. there were beautiful, intense moments of understanding and clarity, intellectual and creative collaborations and sparks. i guess ultimately they weren’t worth the dysfunction in other areas though… and some of it could have just been bullshit anyway, that i took for something meaningful, but i think there were at least flashes of something real in some of it.

and this memory immediately throws my current “relationship” into the light, by which i realize that i haven’t had some of those connections with him.

and this new one, it could be too early to tell. i feel like there’s still a chance for some of the deeper connections that were what really wowed me about walker, maybe we just haven’t really come across them yet, haven’t had enough long conversations or listened to enough music together or… or maybe they won’t be there, and maybe i’ll have to decide at some point if that’s a deal breaker. i don’t want to have to do that.

i mean… i guess everyone has facets. out of everyone i’ve been with, none of their strengths were really in common. one had that intense intellectual/creative connection, but floundered miserably in the affection/physical department. then the new one is by far the best physical/affection connection ever, but i wonder if there will ever be the intellectual/creative part. it’s there to some extent, but… i dont’ know. i think i want to be wowed in every area. but that could be a bit much to expect. but i guess these are the kind of things i get to find out by actually dating, which i never really did before, so this is good.

in other news, i’ve been really obsessed with this playlist that i made on myspace, i don’t know why…

1 the man who sold the world – david bowie
2 blue jay way – the beatles
3 tomorrow tomorrow – elliott smith
4 convinced of the hex – the flaming lips
5 paranoid android – radiohead
6 pretty (ugly before) – elliott smith
7 hospital song – ben folds
8 talking shit about a pretty sunset – modest mouse
9 spent on rainy days – bright eyes/spoon
10 electric feel -mgmt